Left, right, left, right. My feet hit the pavement in regular, base driven intervals. Left, right, left, right. Walk, walk, walk. Anxiety, sadness and restlessness are what drive me. Streetlights, a half moon, and some stars are my only companions tonight. Them and the song drowning out any noise and any thoughts. On repeat for hours, giving me a regular boom, boom, boom for my feet to move to.
Left,
right, left, right. Calming down my brain by exhausting my body. I can feel a
blister slowly blooming on my left foot. I don’t care and keep soldering on.
Left, right, left, right. Beats of the drum and the beat of my heart are my
marching orders. Keep walking no matter what, the rational part of my brain
tells me, slow down and let me break, my heart yells in response.
Left,
right, left, right. I slow down when I find myself around areas I may run into
you. Cautious and on high alert my senses become overwhelmed with stimuli and I
have trouble processing them. Fight or flight reaction setting in, all I want
to do is run while my body is slowing down. Betraying my brain. Left, right,
left, right. Just keep walking, I tell myself. If you just keep walking
everything will be ok.
Left,
right, left, right. I see you in my dreams, you know? I see you and I can
almost touch you. Before you dissolve in front of my eyes. And just vanish.
When I can hear you speak to me I am never sure it is actually your voice. I
think I may have already forgotten what you sound like. Left, right, left,
right. How can I have already forgotten what not long ago was so familiar to
me?
Left,
right, left, right. I want to scratch my eczema hand so badly but I stop
myself. I know that doing what I am dying to do is the worst possible idea. And
that goes for both my eczema and talking to you. Left, right, left, right. I
drive my feet forward, further along the pavement into whatever direction feels
right. Walk away from the crazy and anxious ball that is my brain these days.
Left,
right, left, right. The only time my brain goes somewhat quiet, the only time
it clams itself down is when I get to walk like this. Or rest my head on his
chest. His heartbeat distracts me, it makes the world seem simple, almost
quiet. It’s a sense of peacefulness, a sense of safety that takes over for
once. It reminds me of the way you made me feel. Left, right, left, right. Even
thought you are somewhere far away.
Left,
right, left, right. Boom, boom, boom. He’s not you and he never will be. He is
the closest and furthest I have to you. So close because when I shut my eyes I
can almost pretend it is you whose heartbeat I can hear and feel. Left, right,
left, right. So far because he is the last person on earth you want me to be
around. It is all so wrong, yet so right at the same time.
Left,
right, left, right. You ok goose, he asks. I nod while my whole body shakes. No
I am not ok I want to yell. Yet this is probably the most ok I have felt in
days, maybe weeks by now. So I nod. I could try and explain this to you but I
am not sure you would ever understand. Left, right, left, right. I need to stop
thinking about what everything means and just follow my heart. The one thing I
don’t trust right now.
Left,
right, left, right. If I just keep walking maybe everything will suddenly make
sense. Maybe everything will suddenly calm down. Maybe my anxiety will finally
fade into nothingness. And maybe, just maybe, my heart won’t shatter into a
million pieces when I crawl into bed tonight. Left, right, left, right. Walk,
walk, walk. Boom, boom, boom. It all fades into one until I stop.