Dreams II

“As the water begins to slide up my skin, and I am fighting, giving into you. Like those moments before when you fled out of the door (...) I can breathe, I can see, death he does not bother me, I’ve been thinking it’s a peaceful way to go. I am moving out from the shore, I can’t hear you anymore. There is something calling me from down below.” - Waters, Eliza Shaddad 

She runs in front of me with her long, flowing, wavy brown her. I can’t see her face but I am sure I know who she is. Either way I trust her implicitly and follow her, my feet hitting the ground as fast as they can. Running up the hill, heart pounding, I try and avoid falling over.

She never turns around, she never calls for me, yet I still follow her. I can see her suddenly stopping as she reaches the top and catch up with her. Silently she points towards two bikes just across the other end of the footpath in front of us. They look old, slightly rusty and not very trustworthy.

Yet, I never question that we are going to get on them and ride them down the hill in front of us. The other side of where we came from. I don’t know where we are going and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that I need to follow her, so I swing my leg across the rusty bike frame and grab the handlebars.

As I push myself of the ground and forwards, I realize that I have completely underestimated how steeply downhill the path in front of me is. All of a sudden I am scared but I have already gained too much speed to stop and we plunge forward. The sudden adrenaline rush almost eliminates the underlying fear.

Clenching onto the handlebar so not to fall off my bike suddenly is no more – all of a sudden I find myself on a sled like construction. Dark wood, long sides with a thick string allowing me to steer the contraption. Though I have no idea how, I seem to know how to ride this thing.

Before I know it the sled has brought me into a valley. It is beautiful with flowers covering the meadow, surrounded by trees. Sun glistening and crickets chirping, it almost seems too good to be real. Straight in front of me, towards the end of the meadow is a small cave, its entrance covered in wooden planks.

I notice the writing on the planks and curious as I am approach it. As I get closer I can see that it spells “USE ME” with an arrow pointing towards something. As I reach the cave I notice that the arrow is showing me to an axe lying in the grass. Completely innocently, just waiting for me it seems.

As I pick it up, it lies heavily in my minds. Without thinking I start hacking at the planks, chipping away the words. Somehow it feels cathartic and I can feel all the stress, anxiety and worry of the last couple of weeks just falling off me. Just as I relax a small hole appears in the planks. And behind it a set of eyes.

I would recognize those eyes anywhere in the world, behind anything. They are your eyes. They are the eyes that have been haunting me in my dreams for weeks. And I know what it means because it is always the same result. You stare at me, that cold, emotionless stare I have gotten used to. So much so I almost crave it.

Our eyes lock and for a second I could swear that I can see something in them. But then you blink and I am not sure whether that really just happened or whether I just imagined it. You stare at me for I don’t know how long and I can feel myself waiting. Waiting for it to just be over.

I don’t know where it came from but I can see the faint reflection of something silver in your eyes. It takes a second for me to realize what that means and before it has truly sunk in it is already too late. All that follows is blackness, your eyes behind the last thing I see.

In that moment I wake up. Sweaty, taking a moment to realize where I am, a moment to realize that I didn’t just get shot in a meadow but am in fact sat in a bed in France. That it was just a dream, that I am safe. That the girl I followed wasn’t real, that you weren’t real.

You haven’t spoken to me since you first appeared in my dreams. You approach me silently every time. Yet it is just that that makes me long for the sound of your voice. Your crisp, husky voice. But it is always your eyes that give you away. No matter when and where you appear, those eyes haunt me.