I haven’t blogged in a while
because life has been getting in the way. But today has been one of those days
where one thing has led to another and the thoughts that have been bubbling
away in my brain are burning on my finger tips to be put onto (digital) paper.
Let me tell you a little story:
Two people meet. They get on, share a laugh. Agree to meet again. Spend a few
fun, exciting days and evenings in each other’s company. This is where Disney
would show you the “Happy ever after” scene and spell the words “The End”
across the screen.
Real life is a tad more
complicated. We both screwed things up – did things and said things that we
could have and should have spared ourselves from. Made up. Things got awkward.
One went quiet, the other one anxious. You get three guesses who did what….
Long(ish) story cut short I
decided that I just couldn't do it any more. Wondering whether things were OK or
not, whether we were still friends. Wondering why we felt so differently about sharing the fact that we were hanging out. Why it always felt so exhausting to
be around each other lately.
I didn't like the way I felt, often
on edge and wondering if I had said something wrong, done something wrong. No
matter how well we get along, how much fun we have when we see each other, it
just didn't justify feeling anxious in the weeks between.
I spend more time worrying about
whether this friendship was the right thing for me than I spend enjoying the
benefits.
So I quit. I wasn't prepared to
invest time and energy into something that I didn’t feel was reciprocated or
wanted. A look of sadness, agreement over why things were the way they are.
Apologies about “being so shit” and unreliable.
I've never been got at putting my
foot down and walking away from something. It takes a lot for me to walk away
from someone and it is something I am trying to get better at. Doing exactly
that and saying no felt so good. So liberating.
3 days on and doubt riddled me –
did I do the right thing dismissing any kind of contact for the future? The
thought stayed with me throughout the weekend and by Sunday I had come to the
conclusion that it might be worth it to at least remain friendly and avoid
potential awkwardness.
That is how I ended up spending
the second half of the World Cup Final discussing whether or not I wanted us to
try and be friends again. For the first time in weeks it felt like we were
actually talking to each other, getting somewhere, like there was maybe room to
save something.
The suggestion was to hang out
and talk about it all then and there. I said no. Why? I said that I was willing
to discuss anything if K was sure there was room for me. Not just that evening
but also the day after, the week after… 4 days later and I am still waiting for
an answer.
Current status: Pensive thinking
on the other side
Without going into detail of what
is going on in her life, she is as much in a situation where she can make a
choice: either take it and live with how it makes her feel and not complain
about it or walk away from those who are harming her.
2014 was meant to be about
looking after myself, being kinder to myself and finding a place for myself in
life that I was happy with. Walking away from people who aren't good for me,
exhaust me was definitely part of that – a people detox if you like!
Sometimes it isn't easy to leave
someone behind even if they hurt you. There is something on the inside that
tells you to leave, your rational brain knows, yet there is something holding
you back and making you stay. Against your instincts and against all rational
thought.
I'm learning the lesson that
giving someone the benefit of the doubt doesn't always pay off. That even if it’s
painful, awkward and filled with reluctance sometimes leaving something and
someone behind can be the most elevating, freeing experience.
The END: TBC if happy or unhappy
