For the last 6 months, I have been stuck in my head. Mulling over the same thing, over and over again. Not knowing whether I had reason to think what I was thinking or whether I was simply and slowly going insane.
Today we finally spoke the truth. Clean cut. Putting the cards on the table. Call it what you will, but I know the truth now. There may have been tears and once again my heart has been ripped in two. But at least the truth was told.
It will be a hard road ahead. Hard leaving behind what I wanted and what has been in my head since that fateful day in July. There will be times when I will want to scream at you, run from you or hurt you the way you hurt me.
You may not want me now and you may never want me again. And that’s ok. That’s your decision. If you can live with tucking your feelings away so be it. You said it didn’t feel right and that’s that.
I will have to learn to protect myself. To lock my feelings away the way you have chosen to. But I don’t want to run; I want to face my hurt, deal with it face on. To be strong, not weak. To prove to myself that I deserve to be loved.
I never thought that I would be able to be brave and ask for what you had promised me. But despite your reluctance you finally gave me the truth. You finally gave me what I yearned for: closure. And I am grateful for that.
Part of me still loves you, cares for you, wants to be there for you. But I know that that’s not what you want. Not what you are going to let me do. Maybe after today it is a miracle that you are going to let me be part of your life at all.
You used to make me happy. You still make me smile. When you are around I feel safe, protected. Having you in my life makes me want to be a better person. But you also make me weak and forget myself.
How did you manage to get under my skin the way you have? How have you managed to turn me into what I never wanted to be, my own worst nightmare? How can I take it all away from you and back to me?
It was fun while it lasted. Your words. It wasn’t always fun but in hindsight it was worth the risk. Or wasn’t it? Maybe we should have been sensible back then. The way you are choosing to be sensible now.
“It’s about fighting for the things that make you happy. For me, that’s you.” That was my mantra for 2013. Today I fought as hard as I could. I knew it was a fight worth fighting for. One I had lost before.
Once again I lost. But this time it doesn’t feel like I lost everything. I gained something in the process. I may have regained a friend while losing a lover. It was a fair fight and part of me knew it was lost before it began.
I need to stop fighting for you. Start fighting myself, start fighting against those feelings. All that while finding my feet, finding something someone else who makes me as happy as you used to.
More often than not the truth hurts. It hurts like hell. And no matter what I say, it will continue to hurt for a while. I want to move on, become my old, independent self. Learn to live without you. Learn to be myself again.