We all hold onto things in our past. Places, things, people. Sometimes it is because we are nostalgic, sometimes it is because they remind us of happier times, and sometimes it is because there is something that is holding us back. Stopping us from letting go.
The person who inspired this has been in my life for a very long time. For the intense and purpose of this blog he will be known as C. We met when I young, impressionable, insecure. I had just returned from Australia and was miserable at home. All I wanted to do was go back to Adelaide, be with my friends and not worry about the bullies at school taunting me on a daily basis. Running away from things seemed like the best option. Confronting those who picked on me was something that my mind couldn’t even begin to ponder and I spend most of my time hiding from my family, my friends, myself.
He was tall, dark and handsome. Black hair, blue eyes, freckles. Well spoken, older than me. Every teenage girl in her right mind would have fallen for him. Like in a fairy tale we met in the woods. It was winter. Snow everywhere. He was charming, and I was hooked. What followed is anything but a fairy tale: arguments, spread apart by fickle moments of blissful happiness, lying, cheating and a pregnant ex-girlfriend. Needless to say we didn’t last.
Yet over the years C managed to stay in my life. Creep back into it when I was feeling kind enough to see past all his faults, past all the ways in which he had hurt me. He would be there, suck all possible energy and advise out of me that he could. Get me to tell him that everything was going to be ok. That the love for his child should get him through the hate he felt for his ex-now-re-girlfriend. That he needed to stop cheating and grow a pair and leave her if he was that miserable.
We kept fighting, making up, being friends again. He knew how to push my buttons, how to lure me back in. He smelt so good, so familiar. He felt so safe on the good days. And yet filled me with terror and anger on the bad ones. It has taken me years to acknowledge to myself that I need to let go and no longer let him be part of my life. And yet when he came running, ridden with guilt over yet another affair, I always found myself comforting him and not even contemplating being his friend.
Not too long ago we fought. Yet again. She had finally caught him. Kicked him out. Refused to let him see the kids. Yes, there is two by now. I walked away and told him, for the millions time, that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. Last week he called. Or tried to. I hung up on him. Finally accepted the fact that there are people who should not be in my life. That he is the sort of person who does not bring out the good in me but rather the absolute worst.
Someone who recently came into my life has reminded me that things should be easy. Friendships and relationships are not something that should be hard work. You should want to see that person, spend time with them. Be proud and happy to call them your friend. They should bring out your best side, make you want to be a better, happier, more grounded and well-rounded person. A friend is someone who enriches your life, not make it difficult by arguing with you.
C has shown me what I should have known for a long time. That sometimes you need to let people go. The past needs to be the past. It is no longer part of your life for good reason. You just need to remember that reason and ignore any strings tucking at your heart begging you to be a nice person and show them some kindness. Sometimes kindness and friendship are not what you need. Those are the times when you need to be selfish and protect yourself.
He needs to accept and understand that I am no longer the shy, deer-in-the-headlights, do-as-I-am-told teenager I once was. Age has brought me a little bit closer to wisdom, life and time have taught me enough lessons about happiness and being miserable. Happiness is a state of being I embrace, with its different shades getting me through most days. Some are better, some are worse. Being miserable the way I was in the past is not an option anymore.
Learning to break away from things that are bad for you, that bring you down is hard. You want to keep hold of them. They came into your life at one point or another for a reason. But sometimes we have learned the lessons we were meant to learn from those people, those things and places and it is then time set them free again. Give them the opportunity to teach someone else something. To grow in themselves and learn that sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself and for others.
Park & Budda - own photos
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