I am sat at my big
worktable in a place I like to call my little paradise: our house in the south
of France. It’s been 4 days since I stepped of the plane from London and into
the peace and serenity of a place I call home. Bikini top and shorts, skin
glistening with sunscreen; it is 28 degrees and slightly cloudy today. Perfect
weather for writing. Except that, as might have been obvious by the lack of
posts, I have suffered from the worst writer’s block. Yes there have been times
when I have felt uninspired but never has the draught lasted aslong as this.
All of a sudden with a change of scenery, time to find myself and time with my
slightly insane family it is back: the desire to write. I have been itching to
put something onto paper but the idea was yet to clearly form in my head.
This morning over
breakfast I realized that this and last week there have been a few people who
really surprised me. Surprised me in a way that has led me to not only question
myself but also the way I look at the world. In the best possible and most
positive way.
The past year’s
experiences have led to me expect not great things of people. Positive thinking
has become a really hard exercise; finding and holding onto my old relaxed,
happy self has been difficult. When you get hurt you pick yourself back up, try
and put the pieces back together. When the same person comes along and tramples
all over the half-fixed pieces and shatters them into even tinier pieces than
before becoming whole requires not only strength but also determination and
support. I am lucky enough to have some of the most amazing friends in the
world who have provided the glue and point of view to start to get back to
myself.
This and last week,
however, have been a reminder that not only are there good people in the world;
people worthy of your trust, love and friendship. But it has been a reminder
that we all make mistakes, do things that we regret, things we are not proud
of. But mistakes and regret can be followed by apologies and forgiveness. People
have truly surprised me this week; people I thought I knew very well. Yet, it
turns out I didn’t know them as well as I thought. Apologies have been uttered
that I never thought would see the day. Understanding that I did not expect and
in a way that is slowly making me trust has been shown. It has been the final
push to me acknowledging what needs to change. In myself and in my way of
thinking in equal measures.
More importantly,
and this is really what inspired me, one friend has shown that you can surprise
yourself. In how strong you are and how far you have come. And that, in the
end, Karma does win. It has been a reminder that those who give love and
strength to others – she has certainly done both for me – will gain these
qualities in themselves. And when we are ready we get the chance to surprise
ourselves in what we are capable of. How good life can be when we have seen the
dark sides of it. There is a tremendous sense of pride to call her my friend
and she makes me believe that I can do the same. Be strong where I feel weak, courageous
when I want to hide and carry myself well when that is the last thing I want to
do.
The lesson I can
learn from her, a lesson I should take to heart and internalize, is that we
need to face challenges head on and without fear. To be strong when confronted
with uncertainty and laugh in the face of feeling small, uncomfortable and
weak. That by being strong, courageous and believing in yourself you can
inspire others to do the same. You can make others grow in a way that they might
never have without you.
And what about my
writer’s block you may ask? Well, god knows my head is rumbling with thoughts
and ideas. Whether these will ever make it to paper is another story. But it
can be a simple thing like your friend handling a situation she has been
dreading for nearly a year in a way that is astounding that writer’s block can
disintegrate and leave your brain waves flowing. Some may call this “Inspiration”.
I would call it faith in humanity and karma restored.
I am hoping that my love
for writing, for sharing my thoughts and experiences will continue to flow the
way it is now. To embrace the creativity and vulnerability that comes with it.
After this week I think I can finally understand and appreciate that you need
to make yourself vulnerable to come out on top.